Generally speaking, I don’t think men get enough compassion. They’re not “supposed” to need it, but they do. Generally speaking, I also think men don’t offer as much compassion as women. This may be a reciprocal effect of the former, but I’m unsure. It may be society causing natural selection, or genetics expressing itself through society. It’s probably some of both. It doesn’t matter so much for the sake of this post, but it would be interesting to explore more in another dialogue.
I think the lack of compassion for men is also currently inflamed. This is not a criticism of the current climate or popular movements in advocacy for women. I’m actually quite delighted those things are happening. They NEED to happen. Nor is this a criticism of YOU or anyone else specifically. It’s simply some observations of and responses to things that are happening, and I hope we can have conversations about them without people or movements feeling attacked.
Through this process of becoming unmarried from Linda, it has been disappointing, but also not the least bit surprising, to observe the skewed responses the two of us receive. She’ll receive a lot of compassion. I’ll receive more shame, blame, suspicion, and distrust–though more commonly, no response at all, rather an expectation to “man through it”. (That expectation largely comes from myself, ingrained in my mind through my life experience as a man, and most responses and offers of compassion that I do receive, I shrug off, and will likely continue to do so.) Furthermore, she’ll sometimes receive encouragement NOT to offer me compassion (the assumption being that she’s a victim), whereas I’ll receive encouragement to offer her more compassion (the assumption being that I’m a villain). (NOTE: She also receives unhelpful things, like shaming, and I do receive compassion, especially from other men. I stated that it was skewed, not absolute. Plus we know some really great people, and likely have it better than most.)
As I wrote earlier, this is not a criticism of non-men. There’s something else I wanted to share.
Men: I see you. I feel compassion for you. I see that you don’t want to rape anyone. I see that you don’t want to abuse anyone. I see that you want to be fair and non-sexist. I see that you want to be kind, compassionate, and respectful. I see that you work and work and work and sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice and give and give and give. And you don’t get a lot of credit for it. It’s just expected.
I see that you’ve made mistakes. I don’t think that you should be thrown away. You still have value. I hope that you won’t give up on those who give up on you. I see that you HAVE learned and grown, and that deserves recognition, even if there is still learning and growing to do.
I see that you want to be loved and respected and appreciated back. I see that you still need compassion, even if you’re white, heterosexual, Christian, rich, old, or powerful. Even now. Especially now.
I want to share with you one of the best resources I’ve discovered: Self-compassion. When other sources fail, and they likely will at least shift through the cultural shifts we’re all experiencing (which, again, I’m not criticizing), this one resource remains.
I want to recommend to you one of the most helpful books I’ve ever read. It’s called “Self Compassion” by Kristin Neff. If you read it, you’ll see that it’s mostly written for women, but if you can get past that, it’s still really valuable for men. If you feel love most powerfully through physical touch, as I do, you might also appreciate this little exercise from the book:
“One easy way to soothe and comfort yourself when you’re feeling badly is to give yourself a gentle hug. It seems a bit silly at first, but your body doesn’t know that. It just responds to the physical gesture of warmth and care, just as a baby responds to being held in its mother’s arms. Our skin is an incredibly sensitive organ. Research indicates that physical touch releases oxytocin, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress. So why not try it?
“If you notice that you’re feeling tense, upset, sad, or self-critical, try giving yourself a warm hug, tenderly stroking your arm or face, or gently rocking your body. What’s important is that you make a clear gesture that conveys feelings of love, care, and tenderness. If other people are around, you can often fold your arms in a nonobvious way, gently squeezing yourself in a comforting manner. You can also simply imagine hugging yourself if you can’t make the actual physical gesture.
“Notice how your body feels after receiving the hug. Does it feel warmer, softer, calmer? It’s amazing how easy it is to tap into the oxytocin system and change your biochemical experience.
“Try giving yourself a hug in times of suffering several times a day for a period of at least a week. Hopefully you’ll start to develop the habit of physically comforting yourself when needed, taking full advantage of this surprisingly simple and straightforward way to be kind to ourselves.”
I’ve made this practice into a habit. I find that I unconsciously do this most often in the shower. Perhaps it’s the feeling of warmth from an external source that triggers a craving for loving kindness and self-compassion. I did it this morning. Then I sat down and wrote this post. I hope you find it helpful.