When I was a believer, if it came from the proper authority, I would have done anything I had been instructed to do. I would have harbored any thought imposed upon me. I would have accepted any worldview dictated to me. Again, only if it came from the highest ranks. It wasn’t about them. It was because I believed in god, and I believed that they were his mouthpiece.
I’m pretty certain I would have killed someone, you know, if it meant an entire nation would not dwindle and perish in unbelief. (Side note: studies show they don’t–they thrive.) The thing of which I’m uncertain, is whether or not I even would have needed that rationalization.
That was a point of great satisfaction with myself. (I would write “pride” but this was before Uchtdorf had given us permission to use that word after the stigma created by Benson in 1989.) Even being that way was a consequence of belief in deference to authority. It wasn’t natural. It was forced. It was further obedience–obediently being an obedient person.
Some people, even fellow believers, feel this moral outsourcing is ludicrous. Yet they continue to sing songs like this week after week:
https://www.lds.org/…/library/hymns/ill-go-where-you-want-m…
“I’ll go where you want me to go. I’ll say what you want me to say. I’ll be what you want me to be.”
I was told to lose myself to find myself, so I did (lose myself, but not find myself). I was told to trust in the lord with all my heart and not use my own understanding, so I did–err didn’t lean unto it. I was told my faith would be tested. I wanted to pass the test.
I am a moral person. I am a smart person. I am a compassionate person. When these attributes did not agree with what I perceived as coming from god, I labeled them negatively: the natural man, my pridefulness, satan’s influence, etc. I did my best to turn them off.
More than anything else, I left the church on data points. A logical, studious, academic review of the data. It didn’t add up, so I left, begrudgingly. I did not leave because I had sinned, planned to sin, was offended, didn’t want to pay tithing, etc. I loved it until the moment I left, and even for a time after.
Then some time after, something marvelous happened: Me. Myself. I.
At this point I feel a compulsion to make some point about how I should have been or what I should have done better. Old habits. But I won’t. It happened. So what? It’s over. Why beat myself up even more? I’m simply observing. And here’s my observation:
Morality should be derived, not prescribed.